I’m sorry that I haven’t been myself over the last 3+ months.
I’m sorry that I’ve been meaner, more moody, and sometimes miserable to be around.
It’s nothing that you’ve done. It’s all me. I love you all more than words can ever explain, and I love our life. I don’t like myself when I get mad and yell at you over stupid things. I can’t stand myself when I get frustrated so easily. It makes me feel even worse than I already did. I don’t like being the way that I’ve been lately. Thankfully the days that I act like a beast have gotten less numerous over the past 6 weeks, but they still pop up from time to time.
I know that you all love me anyway, and that you forgive me always but I still owe you an apology. And I’d like the chance to explain things a little. Now before I get started I want you to know that I know that what I’m going through is not the end of the world. I know that I brought this on myself by not taking better care of my body. I know that worse things happen to people every day. I know that I’m a lucky lady who has a loving family, good health, and great friends. I’m very fortunate!
Now, I want you to sit back and think about some things for a second. Think about the things that make you who you are. The things that you feel like you’d be lost if you ever had to live without them. My list is simple: God, you guys, my family and closest friends, and running. I know that you might roll your eyes to see running on my list. In fact, before I became a runner I would have rolled my eyes if I had seen that list. But not now.
When I started running I uncovered a whole new piece of me that I never knew existed. I found the thing that taught me that I can do things that I never thought possible. I found the thing that allowed me a healthy outlet for my emotions. I found the thing that helped me to be a better person for all of you. I found a new way to have time with God. I found meaningful friendships. The things that make me who I am are so tightly woven together that without one of them the whole bunch seems “out of whack”. And that’s how I’ve been feeling since my injury….”out of whack”.
Some days I miss running so bad that I just want to scream and cry until I can’t scream and cry any more. I miss the feeling of accomplishment. I miss the peace that it brings me. I miss the feeling of freedom. Some days I want so badly to feel the road under my feet that I feel like I could crawl out of my skin. I miss being able to leave all of my negativity and stress on the street. Some days I’m so angry at myself for getting myself in to this situation that I can’t stand it. The days I just described are the days that I’m at my worst. I know that it isn’t a good excuse. I know that I should just get over it. I know that it’s hard to understand how running can mean so much to me. Some days it’s hard for me to understand how it became such a big part of the person that I am today.
I know that I can live without running another step, but I pray that I never have to. Running is NOT more important to me than you all or God or my family and friends or my health, but it is important to me. I know that one day this bump in the road will all be a distant memory and that it is nothing compared to the trials that others go through, but in the mean time I hope that this letter has helped you to understand things a little better.
I hope that you never doubt my love for you all, and that you realize how truly happy you all make me. Thank you for loving me and putting up with me even when I’m at my worst.